


Blind Bonds

by Yrindor



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blindness, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-13 09:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3376808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yrindor/pseuds/Yrindor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a mission gone horribly wrong leaves Hinata dead and Neji blind, Neji and Shikamaru lean on one another to find answers and move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> Set several years after Pain's invasion of Konoha, but ignores the events of the Fourth Shinobi World War. The major character death warning is for Hinata, who dies in the prologue; everyone else lives.
> 
> All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.

Neji would never forget the moment when it all went wrong. One of the old families in the Land of Rivers had just finished negotiating a treaty with the Hyūga clan, and Hinata, as the eldest daughter of the Hyūga head family, had been tasked with delivering the final agreement to them. Neji had been sent along as a bodyguard, but since it was a short trip and there was a long history of peaceful relations between the two nations, the general consensus was that it was more for appearance and peace of mind than out of any real need.

Nevertheless, Neji was not willing to risk the fragile peace he had created with the head family by letting something happen to Hinata, even accidentally. While he was not as guarded as he would have been on a formal mission, he regularly scouted ahead with his Byakugan, but so far it had been an uneventful journey.

Entering a clearing just over the river that marked the border between the Land of Fire and the Land of Rivers, Neji noticed a slight haze in the air, and he felt a warning prickle on the back of his neck. Signaling Hinata to stay back and be on guard, he activated his Byakugan.

Instantly, the air around his eyes seemed to spark, and a blinding pain shot through his eyes, even as he heard multiple enemies move in. Judging by the nature of the ambush, he suspected they were trained ninja, not run-of-the-mill bandits. Gritting his teeth against the pain, he placed himself between Hinata and the incoming enemy. His regular eyesight was severely blurred from whatever trap he had sprung, so he tried once again to activate his Byakugan, and once again, the air around him sparked, the pain lancing through his eyes driving him to his knees.

“Hinata-sama! RUN! Don’t use your Byakugan,” Neji yelled, but even as he said it he knew there would likely be no escape for either of them. Desperate not to give up Hinata without a fight, Neji dragged himself to his feet, preparing to fight effectively blind. He could still hear though, and he used that to judge his range as he began his Eight Trigrams technique.

The first attacker was caught off guard by the ferocity of the attack and was quickly incapacitated, but as Neji heard three more ninja closing in on him, muscle memory took over, and he reflexively activated his Byakugan. This time, the pain was all-consuming, and he crumpled to the ground, covering his eyes with his hands. The last thing he heard before unconsciousness claimed him was the unmistakable sound of a kunai thudding into flesh.


	2. Eternal Second

The morning after Neji and Hinata departed to deliver an inter-clan treaty to the Land of Rivers, Shikamaru received an unexpected summons from the Hokage. Irritated at being woken at the crack of dawn for what he assumed would be a discussion of the upcoming chūnin exams, Shikamaru was in no particular hurry as he walked into the Hokage's office, fully prepared to let her know just how troublesome he found her summons.

Tsunade's tense finger-tapping, Shizune's worried look, and the two ANBU-nin standing in the shadows by the doorway had the words dying in his throat as he immediately came fully alert, thoughts flashing back to the similar scene that had greeted his first mission as a chūnin.

"Nara Shikamaru," Tsunade began without preamble. "You are being tasked with leading an emergency S-rank mission. The details are still shaky, but we have received reports of a potential ambush targeting the Hyūga envoy to the Land of Rivers." At that, Shikamaru sucked in a breath, but said nothing as the Hokage continued. "We suspect, should the reports be true, that the ambush will take place just across the border between our two nations. At the rate they planned to travel, Hinata and Neji will cross the border late this afternoon. Your mission is to intercept them before then. The rest of your team will be composed of two ANBU-nin," she said, gesturing to the masked ninja as they stepped forward out of the shadows. "Once you intercept the targets, cross immediately back into the Land of Fire if you are not already there and await further orders. ANBU will scout ahead and attempt to capture the enemy. Once we have more information, we will either abort the diplomatic mission and all three of you will return to Konohagakure, or you will join Hinata and Neji and continue to their destination treating this as a formal mission into potentially hostile territory. Should you intercept the Hyūga representatives while they are engaged in combat, your first priority is to evacuate them to safety and await further orders. ANBU will take charge of all pursuit. I repeat, your priority is to protect Hinata and Neji and get them safely back across our border. Under no circumstances are any of the three of you to pursue the enemy or engage unnecessarily. Do I make myself clear?"

"Understood," Shikamaru replied as he turned to leave, his mind already starting to formulate strategies.

Just before he left the room, he paused. Without turning back, he asked "I don’t suppose there’s anyone with long-range messaging skills I could take as a fourth team member?"

Tsunade sighed. "You know the answer to that, Shikamaru. Kakashi, Sai, and just about everyone else are out on missions. Inoichi is the only one left in Konoha, and he’s otherwise occupied at the moment. There are other ninja who can cover the distance faster than you can, but there are too many unknowns here; I need your brain out in the field. We're going into this with almost no information and no real plan; if things go wrong, your ability to strategize on the spot could be the one thing that saves us."

Shikamaru nodded before striding out of the room, trusting the ANBU-nin would follow. He was halfway down the hallway when he heard Tsunade say quietly, "Please, Shikamaru, don't screw this up," the desperate, almost pleading tone to her voice telling him the comment had not been meant for his ears.

~~~

As soon as they were outside, Shikamaru turned to the two ANBU-nin, "You don't want me to know who you are, and I don't have the time or energy to ask, so I'm going to save us all the trouble and not. What I do need to know though is, are either of you sensory-nin?"

The ninja with the hawk mask nodded, “it’s weaker than most of the other sensory techniques, and really only works over short distances, but I have some skill.”

Shikamaru turned to him. "As soon as we leave the village, I want you scouting at all times. If anything seems even the slightest bit off, I want to know about it. It’s troublesome, but we can't afford to miss this ambush, and we definitely can't afford to be ambushed ourselves."

“Next, I’m assuming you both have the standard set of ninja tools.” When both heads nodded, Shikamaru asked, “are either of you carrying additional equipment?”

Two masked heads shook.

"Final question,” Shikamaru continued, “what range do you prefer to fight at and what type is your primary jutsu?"

The fox-masked nin answered first, "long-range and fire."

The hawk-masked nin followed "mid-to-long, water."

"Good," Shikamaru said, integrating the information into his plans. "I fight mid-range using shadows. The two we're intercepting are Hyūga Neji and Hyūga Hinata, close-range sensory-nin, jōnin and chūnin respectively; the latter is also medic-nin. As you probably already know, Hinata is the head family heir, and Neji, while branch family, is widely regarded as one of, if not the strongest Byakugan users. If anything happens to either of them, especially Hinata, we will have a major diplomatic and political situation on our hands. While I have no confirmation, I suspect the target of any attacks will be Hinata. There’s no tactical or political advantage to targeting Neji, or the treaty, which was unanimously supported by both sides.”

“As you heard from the Hokage, our priority is to protect the two Hyūga family members. Ideally, we’ll cross paths before reaching the Land of Rivers, but it will be close, so we need to plan for intercepting across the border as well. Once we meet, I’ll set up a defensive position with them on this side of the border, and you both will scout ahead and attempt to capture any enemies.”

“Should the worst-case scenario come to pass and we intercept once our targets are already engaged in combat, our priorities remain the same. I’ll move to the inside and assist at close-range; both of you will defend our perimeter until we can retreat and establish a defensive position. Once the immediate threat has been neutralized, the plan is the same as before; you will pursue the enemy with the intent to capture. Any plans beyond that point will be made once we have additional information.”

“We’ll be traveling hard and fast. Our targets have a twenty-hour lead on us and will be crossing the border into the Land of Rivers in about eight hours. We need to close the gap before then. Once we start, we're not stopping until we intercept. Keep conversation to a minimum. I have spare food pills should anyone need them. Until I say otherwise, we're valuing speed over stealth. Questions?"

When both ANBU-nin shook their heads, Shikamaru signaled for them to move out, and all three left the village at a run.

As they ran, Shikamaru did some quick calculations and determined that, provided Neji and Hinata were traveling at close to their planned rate, the pace they needed to set to intercept them would be challenging, but not unmanageable.

Adjusting their pace slightly, Shikamaru started to work through the details of the situation. Going through the information he had, which was precious little, he tried to visualize the situation as a shogi board, with his team as individual pieces. Once his team met up with Neji and Hinata, he would have a king, gold, silver, lance, and knight – the foundations of a strong castle. It would be a powerful defensive team, but they were currently separated and traveling into a potential ambush, not in an established defensive position. In short, the team was utterly unsuited for the current mission. He sighed; it was not the first time he had been sent out with a less-than-ideal team.

Shikamaru continued to run through the different scenarios and pick them apart from every angle, ignoring the voice in the back of his head telling him he was not planning for the true worst-case scenario. The lack of information was truly troublesome, but there was nothing he could do about it. Not for the first time, he cursed the brain that had led repeatedly to his being charge in situations like this.

~~~

Sometime late in the afternoon, Shikamaru motioned to the two ANBU-nin to be on full alert. They were nearing the border, but there were still no signs of Neji and Hinata. Shikamaru hoped that, should Neji notice the three of him with his Byakugan, he would recognize Shikamaru's chakra and fall back to rendezvous.

Suddenly, the hawk-masked nin turned and signaled urgently to Shikamaru. "Our targets have just crossed the river, and there are at least three enemy nin waiting."

Shikamaru swore under his breath as he broke into a sprint, the two ANBU-nin keeping pace. "Maintain our perimeter and pursue; I'll cover Neji and Hinata."

Even as he spoke, the forest suddenly gave way to the banks of the river that marked the boundary between the Land of Fire and the Land of Rivers. He could see Neji and Hinata in a clearing just across the border, and as he watched, he saw Neji signal to Hinata to move back and be on guard as he activated his Byakugan.

Shikamaru began to breathe a sigh of relief that Neji would not be caught completely off guard, but it caught in his throat as the air around Neji seemed to spark and Neji stumbled, Byakugan fading.

Willing himself to move faster, Shikamaru watched Neji try to place himself between Hinata and the incoming enemy, only to be driven to his knees as he triggered the trap again.

He heard Neji yelling at Hinata to run, and watched as Neji prepared to fight again. He felt a brief moment of hope as Neji quickly took down one of the enemy ninja, but that gave way to fear as three more closed in on him. Time seemed to slow to a crawl for Shikamaru as Neji collapsed and two more ninja entered the clearing, kunai glinting in their hands. He watched, seemingly in slow-motion, as the kunai flew toward Hinata, who was desperately trying to escape. He could see how everything was going to unfold, but was powerless to stop it, nor could he avert his gaze as all four kunai hit their marks. Four blades, four lethal targets – not even Tsunade herself could change that outcome.

As Hinata started to fall, Shikamaru's mind flashed unbidden to another time he had been unable to do anything but watch. Another time he had moved too slowly, had watched multiple blades find their targets. Asuma's final moments seared themselves in his mind's eye, and he missed his footing, stumbling before he caught himself.

"Sir?" the fox-masked nin asked, voice showing the barest hint of uncertainty.

Shikamaru shook his head, as much to clear it as to respond, and dragged himself back to the present. They were just crossing the river, and the enemy ninja were fleeing. "Mission parameters have changed," he snapped as time resumed its normal flow. "Pursue and capture the enemy, then return directly to Konoha. I'll deal with Neji, Hinata, and the downed enemy before returning myself. Report directly to the Hokage when you return. Assume the clearing is still trapped, and don't use any jutsu within it. By my count, there are five enemy ninja out there."

The two other ninja split off into the woods in pursuit, leaving Shikamaru alone with the three still forms in the clearing. Though he knew it was pointless, he still stopped to check for a pulse at Hinata’s throat, but found none. He approached the enemy ninja more cautiously, but he too was dead; Shikamaru suspected one of Neji's strikes had hit his heart. A combination of worry and fear slowed Shikamaru's footsteps as he moved towards the final body, but then he saw Neji's chest rise.

"Neji?" he said, approaching cautiously to avoid startling him.

Neji tensed, then relaxed as he identified the voice. "Shikamaru." It was a statement, not a question. Neji slowly pushed himself up to sitting, still with his back to Shikamaru, before asking "Hinata?"

Guilt closed Shikamaru's throat around the words, but his silence was answer enough. Neji hung his head, and the guilt surrounding Shikamaru burned even higher.

Neji shifted to face Shikamaru, and when he raised his head, Shikamaru had to bite back a gasp. Neji's eyes were red, the skin around them raw and blistered.

"Neji?" The tone of the words told Neji the unasked question.

"Poison. It targeted the Byakugan."

“Can you stand?”

“I…think so, but I doubt I can get far on my own.”

Shikamaru paused to think, fingers forming a circle in front of him. “Okay,” he said after a minute, “I’ll help you back across the river. Then I’ll look at your eyes. Before we go, I’ll set paper tags to destroy the…”

He stopped as Neji reached out, hand sweeping an arc before closing on Shikamaru’s forearm. “Take Hinata back with us. Please. I know it will be a burden for you, and it breaks mission protocol, but she’s the head family’s eldest child. I failed, Shikamaru, and if I ever want to be able to face the Hyūga family again…face myself again…I need to bring her back with me.”

Internally, Shikamaru sighed. It would be troublesome, but he had suspected it would come to this. “I understand, Neji. We brought Asuma back with us too.”

“Let me clean up here, then we can leave,” Shikamaru said as he stood and sorted through his belt pouch.

He quickly placed paper tags around the enemy ninja’s body; they would destroy it when activated. Then he pulled the four kunai from Hinata’s body, trying not to think too much about what he was doing. He threw three in the river, but wrapped the fourth in cloth and stowed it an empty pocket; he would give it to one of the tracking units back in Konoha. Crouching down, he lifted Hinata’s body over one shoulder before returning to Neji.

“Neji,” he said, reaching out to place a hand lightly on his shoulder, “it’s time.” He waited while Neji got to his feet shakily, then helped brace an arm around his shoulders, alarmed at the amount of weight he was supporting. They made their way slowly across the clearing, pausing briefly while Shikamaru formed the seals to ignite the paper tags.

Neji’s chakra control was uncharacteristically shaky as they crossed the river. He continually misjudged the amount of force required to stay balanced on the surface of the water and stumbled until he gave in and allowed Shikamaru to support him entirely.

Once they reached the far bank, Shikamaru set down Hinata’s body before helping Neji lie down at the edge of the river.

“How bad is the pain?” Shikamaru asked, noticing the tension in Neji’s jaw and neck.

“It burns, though it’s not as bad now as it was,” Neji replied through clenched teeth.

“Any idea what the poison was?”

Neji shook his head.

“Then I’m just going to wash them and then leave them until Tsunade can look at them. I don’t want to risk making them worse. As soon as we finish here, we’ll move out. I’m hoping to make it back to Konoha before dawn.”

As he spoke, Shikamaru moved to kneel down by Neji’s head, rolling up his sleeves before removing Neji’s headband and setting it aside. He dipped his hands in the river and shivered; even now in the early summer, the mountains farther upstream were feeding snowmelt into the river.

“Neji, this is probably going to hurt, but try not to fight me. Leave your eyes closed for now; I’ll let you know when I want you to open them”

He waited until Neji’s breathing evened out before scooping up water in cupped hands and letting it run, as gently as possible, across Neji’s face.

Even with the warning, Neji’s breath hitched, and Shikamaru saw the muscles in his neck tense as he fought not to pull away.

“Sorry,” Shikamaru said. “I’ll try to be as fast as possible.”

“Do what you have to do, Shikamaru,” Neji replied, voice slightly strained. “I’ve had worse.”

Shikamaru continued for several minutes, hating that he was clearly causing Neji pain, and hating himself for not having prevented the whole mess in the first place. He was clearly not fit to be a commander, not when this kept happening.

"Neji," he said eventually, waiting until Neji turned toward him slightly in acknowledgment. "Open your eyes for me now."

Neji opened his eyes, but as soon as the water hit his face, they shut reflexively.

"Can you keep them open for me?" Shikamaru asked.

"I...I don't think so," Neji replied, eyes still closed, and that simple admission worried Shikamaru – Neji prided himself on his control.

"Dammit," Shikamaru muttered to himself as he reached over to hold one of Neji's eyes open. “Bear with me,” he apologized. Even though he tried to be gentle, Neji still flinched and fought Shikamaru's hold, breath coming in short pants.

"Sorry," he hissed. "It's bad."

Shikamaru shifted to rest both of his hands on Neji's temples, careful to avoid touching the burns or the curse mark on his forehead. "Neji, this whole situation is a mess, and this is going to be bad, but it needs to be done. Do what you need to do, go where you need to go, but let me do this."

Shikamaru remained where he was until he heard Neji's breathing even out and saw some of the tension release from his neck. When he resumed, he had to force himself to be thorough, even though it was clearly agony for Neji. The injured ninja still flinched every time the water hit his face, but he no longer tried to pull away.

After several minutes, Shikamaru shifted. “I’m going to do the other eye now. Do you need a break?”

"Just finish it," Neji hissed, and Shikamaru did not like the edge of desperation in his tone.

When Shikamaru finished, he gently dried the skin around Neji’s eyes before helping him sit up. Then, he finally asked the question he had been avoiding. “Can you see?”

“Nothing. I may as well have my eyes closed.”

“What about your Byakugan?”

“I won’t know for certain until I try it, which I’m not going to do now, but I think it’s okay.”

Shikamaru breathed a sigh of relief as he dug through his belt pouch for a roll of bandages. "I’m going to go bandage your eyes. Then I’ll send a message to Tsunade asking her to meet us when we return. I’m hoping to be back to Konoha before dawn; there are fewer people out then, and I think we’d both rather this stay quiet for as long as possible.”

Neji frowned. "Contact the Hokage?”

"Ever since I took over the position of Tactical Commander from Dad, I’ve carried a set of scrolls that let me send an immediate message to the Hokage. They’re not really meant for situations like this, but I don’t think she’ll mind. It can't be a long message, but it will be enough to have her waiting at one of the side entrances to Konoha when we arrive. I can't explain much of the situation in the message, but the simple fact that I used one of the message scrolls will tell her that things have gone badly wrong."

As he spoke the Hokage’s final words echoed in his ears, and the guilt threatened to choke him. He had failed, again.

And through sheer force of will, Shikamaru pushed it all back down. There would be time enough for guilt and recrimination later. Now he had to stay focused and try to salvage what he could of mission.

He pulled out one of his communications scrolls and wrote a short message:  


> _Returning to Konoha. ETA last hours before dawn. Please meet at aux. entrance #3._

  
He activated the seal with a drop of his blood, and the scroll disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Knowing they would not stop until they returned, Shikamaru ate some of the food pills he had brought and handed a few to Neji as well. Then he helped the injured ninja onto his back before picking up Hinata, trying to ignore the blood staining her clothing.

With a final glance back at the clearing across the river, he turned away from the setting sun and set off into the darkening woods.

The forest was quiet; the silence broken only by the sound of Shikamaru’s footsteps. With nothing else to keep him company, Shikamaru found himself replaying the events of the day, trying to figure out what he could have done differently to prevent the disaster. If he had responded to Tsunade’s initial summons more quickly. If he had not asked that final question, especially since he knew the answer. If they he had set their pace slightly higher on the way out. No matter how he looked at it, it always came back to the same answer; he could have prevented it. From there, it was a short step to remembering the other missions he had led that also went wrong. Memories of his failures kept him company on the long trip back to Konoha, and as fatigue set in, he found himself stumbling every time they became too strong.

He could sense Neji flagging behind him as well, and finally, a couple of hours before dawn, Neji spoke for the first time since they had left, his voice barely more than a whisper. "Shikamaru, I'm at my limit."

“Stay with me,” Shikamaru commanded as he stopped and set down Hinata’s body. “I’m going to bind your ankles and your wrists; that way you won’t have to support yourself,” he said as he fished a cord out of one of his pockets.

Now that he had stopped, he could feel Neji’s entire body shaking, so he worked quickly. As soon as he finished, checking that the cord was secure, but not too tight, he heard Neji’s murmured “sorry,” then felt the other ninja go limp against his back, knocking him off balance.

“Neji?” he called, and when there was no reply, he reached back, fighting back a growing panic until he found the pulse in Neji’s neck and reassured himself that his teammate was simply unconscious.

He picked up Hinata again and stood, pausing for a minute as the edges of his vision went grey. He knew he was pushing his limit already, and now that he was carrying the dead weight of two people, he truly started to wonder if he could make it the final ten miles back to Konoha.

He tried to maintain the same pace as before, but fatigue clawed at the edges of his brain. He focused solely on putting one foot in front of the other, stumbling every time his thoughts started to stray.

Finally, when he was starting to think he could not go any farther, he turned a corner and saw two people standing in front of the hidden side passage into Konoha. The moment they noticed him, they both ran out to meet him.

He let Shizune take Hinata’s body from him without a word as Tsunade started to free Neji. “Nara, report,” she snapped as she cut the last of the cords. As Tsunade lifted Neji from his back, Shikamaru dropped to a knee. If asked later, he would say it was out of respect, but the truth was that his legs would not support him any longer.

“We arrived seconds too late,” Shikamaru said, too exhausted to feel anything as he recounted the previous afternoon’s events. “It was a trap; Neji triggered it when he activated his Byakugan, and it blinded him. I washed his eyes and bandaged them in the field, but he needs medical attention. He lost consciousness a couple of hours ago. Hinata was killed in the ambush. Silent killing – simultaneous strikes to four of the eight targets. We counted six enemy-nin; Neji killed one, and the rest fled when Hinata went down. The two ANBU-nin are in pursuit and will report to you immediately upon their return.”

There was a long moment of silence before Shikamaru added, quietly “Tsunade-sama, I failed. Again. I’m sorry.”

Tsunade turned and started walking back down the path to Konoha. “Come. Let’s get you and Neji to the hospital.”

Shikamaru didn’t move. “I’m fine. I wasn’t involved in any fighting.”

Tsunade turned, and Shikamaru could feel her glare, even in the darkness. “You’re exhausted, suffering from chakra exhaustion on top of that by the look of it, and probably dehydrated as well. Come before you pass out and I drag you.”

Shikamaru still thought it troublesome, but he rose, then stumbled and braced himself on a nearby tree trunk until the world settled. Then he followed Tsunade and Shizune into the passage and through the still-deserted streets of Konoha.

Once they reached the hospital, Shikamaru watched Tsunade carry Neji off for treatment. Then the physical and emotional toll of the previous day caught up to him, and his consciousness started to fade. He vaguely registered Shizune catching him as he fell before unconsciousness claimed him completely.


	3. The First Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neji and Shikamaru regain consciousness and try to come to terms with the aftermath of their failed mission.

When Shikamaru finally regained consciousness, it was to the familiar fluorescent lights and white walls of the Konoha Hospital. It was hard to tell with the curtains drawn over the window, but from the heavily filtered sunlight that did trickle in, he guessed it was sometime late in the afternoon. He didn't know which afternoon it was though; he could have been unconscious for less than a day, or for several days.

As his mind cleared, he took further stock of his surroundings. He was in a standard hospital room, which he took that to mean that his injuries hadn't been too severe. He hadn't expected them to be, but it was reassuring to have the confirmation that he hadn't missed anything serious in his adrenaline-fueled rush back to Konoha.

There was a curtain partitioning the room, so he assumed there was someone else sharing the room with him. He tried to prop himself up to get a better view, then groaned as his body protested loudly. To his great irritation, his attempt to sit up went nowhere, none of his muscles responding to his orders. They were all about as useful as limp noodles and protesting his former treatment of them rather loudly. He groaned as he stared at the ceiling and started counting cracks in the tiles in an attempt to distract himself from tubes in places he'd rather not think about and the tape holding an IV in his elbow that was currently itching rather spectacularly.

He had made it less than halfway across the ceiling when he heard the door slide open, and then Shizune was at his bedside with a chart.

"Shikamaru, you're awake," she said. "How are you feeling?"

"Not great," Shikamaru admitted.

"I'd imagine," Shizune replied. "The good news is that you didn't have any injuries worse than mild dehydration and a few blisters. The bad news is that you have a severe case of chakra exhaustion; it's probably going to be several days before you can move at all, and don't even think of trying to go out on another mission for several weeks at least. You opened Gates, didn't you?" she asked, suddenly eying him critically.

Shikamaru winced; he'd hoped that particular event would have gone unnoticed, though he should have known better than to hope to slip that by the Hokage's assistant. "Just the First Gate," he admitted, "I would've rather not, but I wouldn't have made it back otherwise. I don't know how Lee and Guy do this on a regular basis, if this is how opening just the First Gate makes you feel."

Shizune laughed softly. "Among other things, they know to open a Gate _before_ they're completely out of chakra, and they've practiced with them enough that it's no longer such a strain on their systems. I'm sure they'd be willing to help you train that more if you're interested."

Shikamaru groaned. "I'd rather not," he said, the mere thought of Lee and Guy's enthusiasm making him tired. "I'm hoping not to make this a regular occurrence."

"I'll leave that choice to you. In any case, there's nothing for you to do now but rest until your body has a chance to recover. Tsunade placed an IV and a feeding tube while you were unconscious, so we'll be making sure you get the nutrients you need to recover until you're able to eat again."

"How long was I out?" Shikamaru asked.

"Only about twelve hours," Shizune replied. "Honestly, Tsunade and I both expected you to be out at least until tomorrow morning, all things considered. I'll go let her know you've come to."

"How's Neji?" Shikamaru forced himself to ask.

"He's still unconscious, but that's to be expected. It was a bit uncertain at first, but his life's not in danger anymore; Tsunade was able to neutralize whatever poison was in that trap and save his eyes. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we were in time to save his vision, but we won't know that for certain until he regains consciousness."

"Neji's blind?" Shikamaru repeated, forcing himself to acknowledge Shizune's words.

"As I said, we can't be certain of that yet, but yes, that's what it's looking like at this point. I'm sorry, Shikamaru; I know that's not the outcome you were hoping for."

Shikamaru stared mutely at the ceiling. It had been bad enough watching Hinata die, but somehow it just seemed to keep getting worse. He almost wished he were still unconscious just so that he could avoid dealing with it for awhile longer.

Shizune patted him on the shoulder, saying something about going to get Tsunade as she left his chart at the foot of the bed. She was almost out the door when she was interrupted by a sudden frantic scrambling from the other bed in the room, and Shikamaru heard bits and pieces of hurried reassurances and orders before she hurried out of the room.

A couple of minutes later, Tsunade burst into the room with Shizune hard on her heels.

"Neji, Shikamaru, Shizune says you're both awake. You surprised us. Especially you, Neji. How are you feeling?"

"In pain," Neji said bluntly.

"I'd imagine. Shizune, if you wouldn't mind," Tsunade ordered, and Shizune hurried out of the room once more.

"Given the circumstances, a formal mission report can wait, but since I have both of you conscious right now, I want an informal report of what happened yesterday. There are going to be a lot of question, and I need more answers than I have. Neji, you start; Shikamaru, jump in where you feel it's appropriate."

Neji shifted, reaching up towards his face, but Tsunade was at his side almost immediately catching his hand. "Your eyes are bandaged; I'll give you the full update after your report, but don't touch them," she ordered. "Now tell me what happened."

"I'm a bit unclear on it myself," Neji admitted. "There was nothing out of the ordinary before we reached the border. I checked the area once as we approached, and everything seemed fine, but as soon as we crossed the river, I had a feeling something was off. I've been thinking about it a lot since then, and I still can't pinpoint exactly what set off the warning flag for me; whatever it was, it was subtle enough I almost missed it. In any case, I signaled to Hinata to be on guard and tried to scout again with my Byakugan.

"That's when everything fell apart. Their trap responded to my chakra and activated, blinding me. At the same time, I heard multiple ninja moving in. I hadn't put all of the pieces together at that point, so I made the mistake of trying to activate my Byakugan again, trying to get a better read on the ambushers.

"That was probably my first fatal mistake, as doing so activated the same trap again, further blinding me and giving the enemy a chance to close in while I was temporarily distracted and incapacitated. I warned Hinata about the trap at that point and told her to run, hoping I could stall the ambush at least long enough for her to escape."

There was a long pause before Neji forced himself to continue. "As a result of whatever poison they had used, I was effectively blind by that point, and I knew better than to try the Byakugan again. I know the boundaries of my Eight Trigrams though, and I could hear that all of the ambushers who were closing in were inside its range. That's when I made my second fatal mistake. I trusted to muscle memory to execute the techniques I needed, but I trusted it too much and used the Byakugan instinctively when I heard someone coming up behind me.

"Activating the trap a third time on top of the damage that had already been done was too much, and I lost consciousness at that point, though not before I heard Hinata go down. When I came to again, Shikamaru and his team had already arrived and were clearing the area."

Neji fell silent after that, and Shikamaru took a moment to collect his thoughts before he spoke. Reliving the events of previous afternoon in his own mind had been bad enough, but it was somehow worse hearing it from Neji's perspective, especially as Neji told of hearing Hinata's death. Until that moment, Shikamaru had clung to the hope that Neji had already been unconscious for that moment.

Sighing, Shikamaru picked up the report. "My team had line of sight on Neji and Hinata for almost all of what Neji just described, but we didn't actually make it across the river until the ambush was over. At that point, I sent the two ANBU operatives out with orders to pursue and capture any remaining enemy nin, and to report directly to you upon their return. I checked the status of everyone remaining in the clearing, confirming that Hinata and one enemy nin were dead and Neji was injured. At that point, Neji requested that Hinata's body be transported back to Konoha. Given the circumstances, I felt it was appropriate to comply with that request despite it being a breach of protocol, and I made the necessary arrangements. I also took that opportunity to retrieve one of the kunai used by the enemy in hopes that it could be used by one of our tracking units. It's in my belt pouch."

Tsunade nodded. "I sent an additional ANBU tracking unit out to the site to assist the two you already assigned there. If they're unsuccessful, I'll have Kakashi lead a tracking mission with the kunai. Please continue."

"There's not much to tell after that. I evacuated Neji and Hinata back across the border, did a field treatment on Neji's eyes, sent you the message requesting that you meet us at the gate, and started on the return journey. Neji lost consciousness when we were about ten miles away from Konoha. I was nearing my limit as well at that point and opened the First Gate for the remainder of the trip."

"And your thoughts, Shikamaru? Don't tell me you didn't spend the entirety of the return journey analyzing this," Tsunade said.

Shikamaru chose not to correct Tsunade. He had only spent the very beginning of the return journey thinking about the situation rationally; it hadn't been long before his guilt had taken over though, and every stray thought about the mission turned into further evidence that he was unfit to command. He had spent most of the trip trying very hard not to think about what had happened and faltering every time his thoughts strayed. But he had thought about it enough at the very beginning and in the brief time since he regained consciousness that he had at least some initial thoughts to present.

"There were four kunai thrown during the ambush, and all four of them hit vital targets. Those targets, and that degree of accuracy on a moving target, is a hallmark of Kirigakure nin. As we all know, there's still quite a large pool of missing-nin from Kirigakure available for hire. The ninja Neji killed had no identifying equipment, but I believe most of the ambushers were hired from that pool.

"The poison though, with its targeted activation trigger and its limited area of effect, is more characteristic of Suna. I'd like to request their assistance identifying the poison and tracing how it ended up where it did."

"I've already sent the residual traces of the poison down to the lab," Tsunade said. "Your father and Sakura are working on deconstructing it now, and I've sent a message hawk out to Suna requesting that they lend us one of their poison experts. Other conclusions?"

"Only one. Though I can't know how our arrival influenced the course of events, I believe that the target of the attack was Hinata and not the treaty she was carrying. Once Hinata and Neji were down, there were only three of us, but at least five remaining enemy nin. If they had been targeting the treaty, I would have expected them to stand their ground when we arrived, not to flee, especially since they had the element of surprise and familiarity with the terrain on their side."

"I'll pass that information onto Ibiki and his teams," Tsunade said as Shizune came back into the room. "I'll give you both something to help with the pain, but it's probably going to put you both out again, so I'll give you my update first.

"Shikamaru, as Shizune already told you, your injuries were relatively mild, though using the Gates like that when you were already drained caused a bad case of chakra exhaustion from the whiplash afterward. Don't expect to be leaving the hospital for at least a week, possibly closer to two.

"Neji, as you've probably guessed, your injuries were more extensive. Sakura was able to neutralize the last traces of the poison, and we saved your eyes, but unfortunately the damage to your vision is likely irreparable. Hisashi came by earlier today though, and he believes there was little if any damage done to your Byakugan."

"Hisashi?" Neji interrupted incredulously.

"Yes. I wanted his opinion on the nature of the poison; his assistance was invaluable in formulating our approach to treatment."

"Why doesn't he hate me? I'm the one who got Hinata killed."

"You're also the one who risked his life to try to save Hinata, and the one who brought her body back," Tsunade said sharply. "Hisashi knew the risks when Hinata became a ninja; he doesn't blame you for what happened. I won't say he's happy about it, but he understands, however grudgingly.

"I want to give your eyes awhile longer to heal, but tomorrow we'll remove the bandages, see what residual vision you have, and confirm the status of your Byakugan. The results of that will determine where we go from there. For now, I want both of you to rest. I'll check in again in the morning."

With that, Tsunade turned and strode out of the room. Shizune stayed behind for just long enough to inject something into Neji and Shikamaru's IVs before following the Hokage out. The throbbing in Shikamaru's muscles quickly dulled, and it wasn't long before he found himself being pulled back into unconsciousness.

~~~

It was well past dark when he opened his eyes again, and it took him a minute to realize that he had been woken by the sound of his name being called from across the room.

"Shikamaru," Neji whispered again, "are you still here?"

"I'm here," Shikamaru mumbled, still fighting off the last traces of the drug-induced haze.

"What time is it?" Neji asked.

Shikamaru groaned and tried to look out the window. "There's no clock in here, but it's well past dark, and I don't see many lights from the village coming through the window, so probably sometime in the early hours of the morning. Go back to bed."

"I can't sleep," Neji said quietly.

"Are you in pain?"

"Not really. At least not in the way you mean."

Suddenly Shikamaru was wide awake. As troublesome as it was, he couldn't ignore a statement like that, especially not when it came from someone like Neji who usually kept his feelings locked behind so many walls it could be hard to tell he had them at all.

"What's on your mind?" Shikamaru asked cautiously.

"I could say I can't stop thinking about how Hinata is dead, and how I heard her die. About how my only mission was to protect her, and I failed even at that simple task. That would be true, but it wouldn't be the whole truth. It's not that it keeps coming to mind, which is probably to be expected, it's that I have nothing to clear my mind of it. I can't meditate on the moon rising outside the window. I can't count the chakra points in my body. There's nothing but me and my thoughts and darkness. And with the darkness comes the fear that that's all there ever will be from here forward.

"I see, Shikamaru," Neji continued softly. "It's my kekkei genkai, but it's also who I am and what I do. If I can't see anymore, then who am I and what worth do I have?"

"You're more than just-"

"Stop!" Neji snapped, cutting Shikamaru off. "Before you go and say some stupid, empty platitude, stop and think about it. You're a thinker right? What if something happened on a mission and you lost that. All of a sudden, you can't plan anymore. When you're playing shogi, you can't see any farther ahead than your next move. When you're working on a mission, you can't see anything more than the two most likely scenarios. How would you feel then? What would you be if you suddenly lost the one thing that mattered most to you?"

Shikamaru cringed. Even the vague hypotheticals Neji mentioned were enough to make his skin crawl. He wanted to squirm, to somehow scratch off the uncomfortable sensation, but his body wouldn't respond. He couldn't do anything other than lie there as Neji's words lashed at him.

"Your value as a person should be more than just your skill as a ninja," Shikamaru said, hating how hollow the words sounded.

"Maybe that's true," Neji said bitterly, "but we both know the world doesn't usually work how it 'should.' Ideals may be nice to think about, but you can't live off of them, and believing in them only ever ends in heartbreak."

"Guy and Lee might take you task for that."

"No, they'd argue against it if you ever said it to their faces, but on some level, they know it to be true. It's the very reason they push themselves as hard as they do, because to stop would be to give in to the very reality they've spent their lives fighting against. They fight it because they fear it, and the things we fear most are the things we believe are grounded in reality on some level."

"What about Naruto then?"

"Naruto's too pig-headed for his own good, and too much of an idealist to know that's not how the world works. He'll just keep yelling until the world gives in out of sheer self-preservation. I don't think his particular brand of idiocy is something that can or should be emulated."

"So you're just going to accept it? You're going to give up just like that?" Shikamaru asked, starting to feel an edge of anger that was unusual for him.

"I never said I'd give up easily, but there are some things that can't be changed. It doesn't matter how much I fight against it, I'll always be branch family, no matter what Naruto may say. And the whole purpose of the branch family is to protect the head family; if I can't do that, I'm nothing. Don't talk to me like you know what that's like. You don't know."

"Maybe I don't," Shikamaru snapped back, "but that doesn't mean I don't know what it's like to fail a mission. Don't forget, I was promoted to chūnin in the middle of a crisis that needed every ninja in the village. I led my first team then, and the mission was a failure that forced my father to abandon his mission to rescue me. The next major mission I led after that was a failure too, and in case you'd forgotten, I nearly got you and Chōji killed in the process. Then, when Asuma let me take the lead on a mission, I did get him killed. So don't tell me I don't know what it's like, because I know a hell of a lot better than your pity party wants to admit.

"And in case you weren't aware, Tsunade gave me a single task when she sent me out: keep you and Hinata alive. If I had moved slightly faster, you would've had three extra jōnin with you, and this whole mess would probably have had a very different outcome. I hate to break it to you, but her death probably falls just as much on me as it does on you. You think the head family's going to hate you for Hinata's death; I think the Hokage's going to do the same. How many times has she sent me out on missions now that have ended with failure and multiple casualties?"

Neji didn't respond, and Shikamaru was left to his unhappy thoughts until he finally fell into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had largely written this off as dead and abandoned, but apparently it came back. Thanks to SilverFox89 for the kick I needed to get this back in the works. Hopefully it should update more frequently going foward.


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